When you start working with a marriage counselor you are taking the first step in changing the atmosphere of your relationship. It is a big step, and the best way to rebuild the most important bond you can have. But, in many cases, it can lead to doubts and insecurities.
Leaving your relationship in the hands of a third person is a difficult decision to make. The trust you both place in the therapist is very high, so it is logical to have doubts about what he/she will do or even what he/she thinks. That’s why today I’m bringing you your counselor’s best kept secrets.
Yes, as you read it, in this blog I will tell you what your marriage counselor thinks, but will never tell you. The next time you go for a consultation, you will feel more confident about opening the doors of your relationship to let in this new breeze.
What your marriage counselor doesn’t tell you, in sentences
Why am I sharing this with you? Not so that you will question your marriage counselor in the next session. It is for the purpose of understanding his or her work and its importance to your partner. So that you can take ownership of that time and space to work on yourself and your relationship.
Of course, each professional is different and the ways of understanding therapy and applying it to a specific case vary. However, the following phrases will surely make you feel identified. Don’t forget that if he or she doesn’t say them, it is for your growth. Keep these tips in mind when you doubt him/her.
“It’s good that they fight”
When a couple attends such a consultation it is because they detect conflict. Recognizing it is the key to begin to solve the problems in the marriage. Although it may seem contradictory, many come to the counselling office ashamed of the state of their relationship and try to minimize things.
Wrong, the marriage counselor must see clearly what is going on in order to guide the work in the right direction. If tension shows up in front of them, they will be more than grateful, because it lets them see how the two of you really talk to each other. That means that there is a mutual interest in starting to put problems on the table to visualize and heal. (This does not mean that shouting, insults or threats are acceptable.)
“Do you really want to be together?”
Many couples go to counseling without knowing if it will be the end or if there is still hope. Many therapists observe that intolerance in couples seems to be more and more frequent today. It has become “normal” to want to leave the relationship without trying to overcome conflicts.
In this context, the counselor will try to assess whether there is still genuine interest in the relationship. He or she will look at whether both partners are contributing their efforts and dedication, or whether it is a one-sided relationship. In either case, there is hope. But rebuilding that mutual love and trust will take a long process of renewal.
“I’m not going to tell you who is right, none of you are”
One of the main human reactions to conflict is to try to look for those responsible. It is not that it is wrong to look for it, nor that there is no responsibility for the problem. However, when something doesn’t work in a couple, both should take responsibility and acknowledge their part. Remember that you are also “guilty” if:
- You did nothing to resolve it.
- You let time go by without talking about it.
- You were not clear about how it made you feel.
- You didn’t give the other person space to express themselves.
- You pretended you didn’t care in the first place.
There are many more reasons why both should accept your part. Without going any further, love must be protected by each person doing their part to heal the damage of conflict. The therapist will not tell you who is right but instead will guide you both to finding where you have failed and how to improve. This approach is for ordinary conflict. If one partner is afraid of the other, or there is violence, threats or control, responsibility is not shared equally: the first step is safety, not joint counseling, and a counselor should speak with each of you separately.
“Why are you asking me what you should be asking yourself?”
Have you ever felt that your counselor is not answering your questions? You are probably asking the right questions, but to the wrong person. You are the one you should be asking. That’s why your therapist doesn’t answer them directly, but wants to direct you to find that solution.
The outcome of therapy depends to a large extent on the work of each person – or of the couple. It is about the way in which each one assimilates it, and not only in the consulting room. Don’t expect someone else to answer what you need to discover in order to grow in your integrity.
“I know this scares you, that’s why I’m telling you”
Have you ever left counselling with the feeling that your counsellor has offended you? Do you feel that he or she has touched on a sensitive subject or even a fear? Don’t think that they don’t know or that they are doing it to hurt you – on the contrary! Your counselor is trying to have a positive effect, even if you don’t see it.
Fear can move us to act or make us freeze (see this article on fear in the human brain). If you hope to bring about changes in your environment and improve conditions for your partner, it helps to face your fears, step by step and with support. Through them, you will achieve new and different, more thoughtful and measured responses.
Acting on impulse can lead to unwanted actions, with harmful effects on the other person. Your counsellor wants you to work on your ability to adapt to conditions that are not your usual comfort zone. Be confident, it will help you grow on a personal level.
“I won’t tell you what to do, I’ll help you figure it out for yourself”
In relation to the previous point, your counselor will not tell you directly what to do. He or she will help you to bring about changes in your behavior progressively and with careful work on yourself. At the same time as he or she does the same work with your partner. This is similar to how behavioral therapy approaches change.
I hope these tips help you to trust the process and make the most of your sessions. If you want to know more about counseling, you are welcome to ask.
What is one question you would like to bring to your next session, and could you ask it honestly?
Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.
If there is violence in your home
If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
- If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).
This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.
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